Note from Michael:
This post was written by Lindsay (on paper) while in Linden Oaks. It was given to me on Tuesday (6.19.12) for me to post on Ella's Corner on behalf of Lindsay.
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I've been in the Linden Oaks Eating Disorder Treatment Program for two weeks now. I've been making definite progress in some areas but no so much in others.
I started gaining a little weight over the weekend but then I started losing weight again. My body is really fighting against itself right now. Another Ensure Supplement has been added to my daily meal plan.
I had another EKG done and this time the results were "borderline", which is definitely an improvement from "abnormal" :)
Then there's the emotional piece. I've found that it is extremely difficult to disagree with the "Ed" thoughts. Ed has been such a significant part of my life recently, and quite honestly, I'm terrified to let him go. He has been my main coping mechanism for SMA and I fear what would happen if he goes away.
Ed has given me a sense of control as well as has been a major distraction for my mind (and with positive results that I could measure with a scale). Deep down I know that Ed is dangerous, but I just can't seem to shake those thoughts. Every so often I get a brief glimpse of the positive aspects of life without Ed, but they are few and far between.
Last week my treatment team suggested that I take a daily medication for anxiety. The idea is that it will help to push the obsessive Ed thoughts to the background. It won't get rid of the Ed thoughts completely, but it will help to suppress them. I started a very low dose of this medication on Friday. Aside from becoming a very tired (and a little spacey) I haven't noticed any other effects; so we're going to slightly increase the dose today.
My treatment team thinks that I'm making great progress but we're not yet at a point to start thinking about me stepping down to the partial (outpatient) program. Most importantly we need to get my weight to stabilize going in a positive direction. I will also need to have another EKG (which will hopefully be normal!).
The team thinks maybe at the end of the week we'll be able to discuss when I might be able to step down to the partial program. I really hope so because I feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
I miss Michael. I miss Ava, Henry & Ella. I miss the rest of my family and my friends. I want to go home more than anything. But I'm reminded every single day that I need to be healthy (in more ways than one) for me to go home and truly be "there".
So that's what I'm doing. As difficult as this is, I'm getting healthy.
