The partial program is 6 days per week (Monday through Saturday), 8 hours per day. Which means I get to come home at the end of each day (and be home all day on Sundays)!
When I came home on Monday, I was almost tackled to the ground by Ava and Henry (and Ella was right behind them in her wheelchair)! It was SUCH a great feeling.
But "home" was different. I felt kind of like an outsider.
I'm really supposed to take it easy when I'm at home (no lifting the kids, limit going up and down the stairs, etc.). The main reason for this is to prevent my body from burning too many calories and going back into "hyper-burn" mode, which many times happens when patients return to more normal activity levels at home (compared to sitting ALL day at the hospital). And the members of my treatment team know that our "normal" activities at home are a little bit more physically demanding than the average household.
Today (Thursday), I had my "staffing" (the meeting with my entire treatment team to review my progress). My weight went down a little when I first when home, but it has remained stable at that weight ever since. My weight isn't where they want it to be yet, however, my dietician is so impressed with my emotional progress that she said she's OK with where my weight is for now and isn't going to add any more supplements to my diet (yet). Yay! My fourth EKG results came back as "borderline." Again. I was really expecting them to be normal by this point, but I guess borderline is better than abnormal.
I did bring up the possibility of discharging completely in the (hopefully) near future, but they said they typically want their patients to do at least 2 full weeks in the partial program and then step down to IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program), which is 4 hours per day. But there are some other circumstances that weigh a little in the equation, so we all agreed that we'll just take it one day at a time.
So how am I REALLY doing? It's hard. There's no question about that. It's very hard to follow my meal plan when I'm not being monitored by the treatment team (even though it's only been dinners and evening snacks). But so far I've been successful! I had one urge to act on an ED behavior and not follow my meal plan, but I talked it out with Michael and the urge passed (can I just tell you how INCREDIBLY supportive he is???). Sundays are days off for outpatients, so it will be my first FULL day of no treatment (I'll resume on Monday). I'm hoping and praying for the strength to follow my meal plan for the entire day :)
It's weird. Typing this all out makes it look so easy. Just eat what's on my meal plan, right? Once again, it's impossible to explain an eating disorder. All I ask is that others believe me when I say how incredibly hard it is. But also trust me that my children, family and friends are such incredible motivation for me to recover!! Being home has helped tremendously in the sense that my motivators are right here with me :)
But for now, I have to keep my mind in the moment and not worry about what the future will bring.
One day at a time...
So how am I REALLY doing? It's hard. There's no question about that. It's very hard to follow my meal plan when I'm not being monitored by the treatment team (even though it's only been dinners and evening snacks). But so far I've been successful! I had one urge to act on an ED behavior and not follow my meal plan, but I talked it out with Michael and the urge passed (can I just tell you how INCREDIBLY supportive he is???). Sundays are days off for outpatients, so it will be my first FULL day of no treatment (I'll resume on Monday). I'm hoping and praying for the strength to follow my meal plan for the entire day :)
It's weird. Typing this all out makes it look so easy. Just eat what's on my meal plan, right? Once again, it's impossible to explain an eating disorder. All I ask is that others believe me when I say how incredibly hard it is. But also trust me that my children, family and friends are such incredible motivation for me to recover!! Being home has helped tremendously in the sense that my motivators are right here with me :)
But for now, I have to keep my mind in the moment and not worry about what the future will bring.
One day at a time...
