Note from Michael:
This post was written by Lindsay (on paper) while in Linden Oaks. It was given to me on Thursday (6.14.12) for me to post on Ella's Corner on behalf of Lindsay.
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I've been at the inpatient treatment program at Linden Oak for over a week now. There is no question that this is one of the hardest things I've ever done.
One of the things I've found is that it's impossible for others to truly understand the emotions and behaviors behind an eating disorder unless they have personally experienced it. I recently read a quote from a book (about eating disorders):
"From the outside looking in, you can't understand it. From the inside looking out, you can't explain it."I didn't realize how truly complex eating disorders are. So many people's natural reaction is, "Just eat." Oh how I wish it were that simple. If it were, I wouldn't be here struggling every single moment trying to block out Ed.
Yes, Ed.
Ed stands for E.D., or Eating Disorder. He is a male figure who has been a significant part of my life for the past 6 or 7 months (maybe more).
Ed has caused a lot of physical and emotional pain (and not just for me). he is controlling and abusive. But I am extremely attached to him.
One of the first steps in treatment is to try to separate myself from Ed. To realize that Ed's thoughts and my thoughts are not the same. Well, it's easier said than done. I have been so used to Ed telling me what to do and not do, that it seems we have become one.
But it's not true. And the other day was the first time I recognized one of my thoughts as being Ed's, and not my own.
Ultimately, the goal is to disagree with and disobey Ed. I feel like I am still a long way from that point. I still agree with Ed. And I still wish I could be obey him (obviously I can't while I'm here as we are on a VERY strict meal plan and are monitored 24/7).
But the other day I took a very small (but at the same time a very important) step.
I separated myself from Ed; even if just for a moment.
My Progress Update:
I initially gained a little weight, but I've started to lose weight the past couple of days. This can sometimes happen and is referred to as "hyper-burn". Basically my metabolism has slowed down so much from the eating disorder and now that I've been eating consistently, my metabolism has gone into over-drive.
So they need to be more aggressive with my treatment. Starting tomorrow (6.15.12) they will be increasing my meal plan (again) and adding Ensure supplements to try to get me closer to my target weight range.
I have had my labs and EKG re-done and my labs are normal; however my EKG is still abnormal.
Right now we (the treatment team and I) are not at a point to be able to discuss the possibility of stepping down to the partial (outpatient) treatment program.
Thank you all SO much for your support, prayers, cards, etc. It's wonderful to no longer be dealing with this alone. And also I want to say a HUGE thank you to the many, many people who have been helping Michael & the kids. It is unbearable being away from them, but I am so incredibly grateful that they are receiving so much loving support.
