This is going to be the hardest post I've ever written. But it needs to be written.
It's not an easy thing to admit to yourself, let alone other people...
I have been struggling with an eating disorder.
The behaviors started shortly after Ella's diagnosis and were under control for a while. But then I began to lose control.
I tried to turn it around. Countless times. And unfortunately I was never successful.
I've lost a significant amount of weight. I've become very weak. And very tired. It's been hard for me to be a mother, wife, friend, etc.
Some days I feel ok, while others I can barely function.
After admitting to myself a couple weeks ago that I think I might have a problem, I turned to our pastor for guidance. He helped me take the steps to have an assessment done.
Yesterday I went to Linden Oaks at Edward Hospital (in Naperville, IL). I was evaluated and had some lab work done and an EKG performed. It was recommended that I begin their Outpatient Treatment Program immediately. This program is 6 days a week, 8 hours a day (and usually lasts for at least several weeks, depending on the patient).
So today, I arrived for my first day of the Outpatient Program (and my last...for now). It turns out that some of my labs were abnormal, my EKG had several abnormalities, and my liver is not functioning properly.
I had no idea it had gotten this bad.
The doctors changed their recommendation to the Inpatient Treatment Program. I was able to come home tonight to talk with Michael, pack, and set a few things in order. Tomorrow morning I report to Linden Oaks at 8 am to start my intensive treatment.
Typically the inpatient program lasts at least 1-2 weeks (I will be admitted to the treatment center and will remain there 24/7 during this time). It will then be followed by at least several weeks of the outpatient program.
The goal of the inpatient treatment will obviously be to get my heart and liver back to normal functioning and also to get me to a point that I feel confident going home in the evenings and not reverting to my old "patterns".
I had no intention of sharing this information with anyone. I only just told Michael about everything last week (one of the hardest things I have EVER done). But the truth is, I don't want to feel ashamed or guilty about this disorder. One of the sayings at the treatment center I heard today was, "Secrets keep you sick," and I completely understand what that means.
But in my extended absence, Michael is going to need help. He will be on his own with all three kids 24/7 for at least a week or two (and then still 6 days a week after that). In addition to caring for all three kids, he will be responsible for cooking, cleaning, laundry, errands, taking Ella to therapy, etc. He's going to need help with Ava and Henry, and it will be great for him to get little breaks altogether every once in a while (if possible).
Also, part of my treatment includes "family therapy" in which Michael is encouraged to attend with me on Mondays. And Linden Oaks has visiting hours daily that I'd love to see Michael if it's ever possible (and of course, anyone else who'd like to stop by).
While I'm in the inpatient program, I will not have a cell phone or internet access. I will not be able to send or receive emails or texts (or be on Facebook, etc.). So as of tomorrow morning, the only communication I will be able to have is with people inside of the center (and visitors).
It's going to be hard. The feelings of incredible guilt and abandonment I feel are unbearable, not to mention the sadness I feel for the upcoming events I will miss (parties, VBS, the FSMA Walk-N-Roll, and especially Ella's 2nd birthday).
It will be tough saying goodbye to the kids tomorrow, not knowing when I will see their beautiful faces again.
I never intended for this to happen. It just sort of spiraled out of control.
But however bad I feel, I don't want to feel ashamed. I don't want to feel embarrassed.
But I want to get better. I want to be "me" again.
And tomorrow I think I'm taking a big step in the right direction.
