Just Around the Corner...(by Michael)

Christmas is just around the corner.

This year is different.  It has called Lindsay and I to look at our lives and the lives of our children in such a different way. 

The “holiday spirit” of yesteryear brought with it the gathering of family & friends, the gifts, the lights, the food, the decorations.  All designed to enhance the feelings associated with the season.

It’s different now.  We do not know how many Christmas’s we’ll have with Ella.  That’s a stark reality that brings our world to a halt whenever we think about it.

Everything outwardly is still the same; the world goes on with the preparations, the merriment, the anticipation.  We have found that the change is inside of us.  We see the season with new eyes and a virgin heart.  

Yes, we got a tree. Amidst the decorations and lights it seems empty somehow.  It's there yet it stands alone.  Kind of sad in a way.  When we gaze upon our tree the feelings elicited draw us deep into the moment we find ourselves; the life we now have.  How different this life is and will be.  

Yes, we talked about what to buy for whom.  It seems we cannot focus long enough to find the right gifts.  Our minds quickly turn to the needs of our children; their ever-increasing needs.  Our thoughts are captured by the reality of the financial burdens that have crept their way into our nice little budget we had worked so hard to develop and make work.  We search for meaningful gifts within our means; seeking them to truly be from our hearts to the hearts of our loved ones.  What might those be?

Yes, we made plans with our family.  They know not how much we need to rest in their love.  Spending time with each person this holiday season will keep us connected.  We feel cared for by them in a way that no other group of people can care for us.  They say one cannot choose their family...I don't believe that...I think we chose each other long ago.

Yes, we have attended church.  The depth of compassion, support, acceptance, and love we have found at St. Timothy's has held us strong.  We have attended the church classes centered around the Nativity.  In this we have found something.  Our inward change finds its roots here...

We feel the hand of God reaching out for us...showing us there’s now so much more to Christmas than what we have been celebrating in years past.  We will not give up the traditions and celebrations of the past...we will simply enhance them with what we are feeling in our souls to a greater degree.  There is something deeper...something that we know will reside within us, even after the holiday has passed and until it reappears again the following year,  if we allow it .

Nothing else really matters to us more than the life of our children, especially that of our Ella; whose life is threatened daily by SMA.  Watching her lose her ability to sustain herself physically shreds one’s heart into pieces, steals those pieces, and scatters them flippantly back onto the soul…we look to God and each other to gather up those pieces and restore them to their proper place.  We embrace those who seek to comfort us.  We walk through this life with a numbness that defies explanation...a deep hole if you will, that surrounds each of us…black, darkened, and void of escape on our own. 

There’s only one way out and we are finding Christmas speaks to us of that promise.

Lights and decoration will come and go.  Gifts will find their rightful place within our lives.  Food and preparations will be distant, pleasurable memories, among all the others. 

The long-lasting eternal meaning of what we now experience through Christmas is based on hope, perseverance, and gratitude.  As peacefully and perfectly as God entered this world for us shall He enter our hearts and lives.  We’ve found that putting aside all earthly cares has opened up ourselves to receive.


Christmas is right around the corner, yet it brings us to a path filled with a deeper understanding of life that we now must continue to travel...for the sake of our children, the sake of ourselves, the sake of Ella Sabine.