They stick together.
They play together.
They fight together.
They talk with one another. About everything.
We were driving home from spending an evening at church when I came to a red light. Ella took my attention from the road and asked me, "Where do I go when I die?"
My world focused on her face. I asked her to repeat the question just to make sure I heard her correctly. I had.
My response whizzed its way from my head to my mouth and before I knew it I was telling her that she'll be with God as He holds her close in His hug. She thought for a moment. Pulling her finger away from her mouth she returned her gaze to mine and asked, "Can I come back?". We stared at each other for a moment. I spoke.
"If you want to" I said. The car behind me let out a friendly honk to let me know the light had changed. Quickly Ava, Henry, and Ella began talking about heaven (as they often do) and began planning for all the wonderful things that will be there...waiting for them. I drove replaying the conversation I had with Ella over and over in my head.
Those two questions: "Where do I go when I die?" and "Can I come back?". They struck something deep inside of me as my mind brought itself to wonder why they lurked in her head. Why did my two year-old daughter who faces a terminal illness ask me those two pointed questions?
At first I thought the first question was more important to focus on than the second. Amidst a discussion with Lindsay I now think otherwise.
Ella has changed. There is something different about her. She is bringing to our world an inspiring display of courage. Raw courage.
The change has manifested itself in the incredible improvements she has made over the past few weeks. She has stood with the parallel bars by herself, supported by her braces yet bearing her own weight. She has walked with assistance the length of those bars (six feet). She practices the motion of walking with our help outside of the parallel bars wearing just her AFO's and TLSO (no knee immobilizers). She has rolled from side to side on a hard surface. She lies in bed and brings her legs up in order to grab her toes; delighting in the childlike wonder of controlling her body. She has even once rolled herself from being on her back to her side while sleeping!
Her courage to attempt these feats and face the risk of injury and disappointment runs deep inside of her. She does fail at many of her attempts yet she gets right back up and goes for it again with the expectation that she'll get it this time. It's paying off as we are seeing a change in our Ella. How long it will last; the reason behind it; how far it will go all remain to been seen.
The question, "Can I come back?" is important in relation to the question, "Where do I go when I die?" because it tells me that she's not ready to die...as inviting as being hugged by God is, I think she knows she isn't finished here on earth.
