I think the best way to put it is to say...it's been a process.
I've been out of treatment for about 6 weeks now and there have been many ups and downs. And then some more ups and downs.
Since being discharged from the eating disorder program at Linden Oaks, I've been seeing both a dietitian and therapist weekly. At one of my therapy sessions, my therapist told me that it is going to be very difficult for me to recover from my eating disorder.
Huh?
Yup.
And here's why...while ED is considered a "life-threatening" disorder, unfortunately there are many positive aspects that make it so challenging to break free. I know what you're probably thinking...How can starving yourself have ANY positive aspects???
Well, here are the conclusions that I (along with my treatment team) have come up with (it's important to determine the positive aspects of ED in order to find new healthy ways to achieve the same outcome):
- ED is a coping mechanism for the diagnosis of SMA - there is a lot of emotional pain that came with the diagnosis, so I created a different kind of pain to deal with instead.
- ED is a distraction from SMA - having an eating disorder is like an addiction or obsession, it truly takes over your life and you have little mental energy left to focus on anything else.
- ED gave me control (or so I thought) - I felt very out of control with Ella's diagnosis, so I created something that I COULD control (until ED started to control ME).
- There were positive results that I could measure with a scale
- I felt like my identity became "Mother of a daughter with SMA" so I created a new identity for myself.
So my therapist said that in a sense, I need ED. I need him to get through the days of living with SMA.
And an eating disorder works in such a way that all of those health risks seem to be pushed to the background. Those things could never happen to ME, right? Wrong.
Going into treatment was extremely difficult for me. I didn't want to give up ED. I knew there was a problem and that my health was in jeopardy, but I wasn't ready to let it go.
After four weeks of treatment, I honestly didn't feel much different about letting go of ED. But I DID break the cycle of unhealthy eating patterns, which was the most important thing to do.
Unfortunately, as time went on, I found myself slipping back into my old habits, trying to lose the weight I had gained. I have developed this extremely intense fear of gaining weight.
My treatment team had started threatening me with going back into treatment, which is not an option for me. I kept trying to convince them that I need to lose "just a little more weight", to which they replied, "It will NEVER be enough. You'll NEVER be satisfied. You have to trust US and follow your meal plan." Even though my therapist said that on some level I need ED, she said we need to figure out other things that I can do to replace ED.
They also pointed out how distorted my body image has become. My therapist had me take a long piece of string and make a circle with it on the floor. It had to be the size that I think my waist is around. After I did it, she took that same string and put it around my waist. The string I measured out was 20 inches LONGER than my actual waist. That was pretty eye opening for me to see that I have a very distorted view of my body at this point.
Well, I was still losing a little weight (intentionally), and I started noticing my energy levels were dropping again. And I was feeling depressed. So after my therapy session last Monday night I made the decision. I'm going to follow my meal plan in it's entirety for one week (the most I've done since being out of treatment is four days in a row).
Right now I'm almost done with day six.
And I feel incredible.
My energy is back and I'm trying not to completely freak out about the weight gain. The hardest part of the gain is that initially it ALL goes to my stomach (the WORST possible place). The reason for this is when your body has been denied food for a long enough period of time and then you start to feed it again, the weight goes to protect your major organs. It will eventually evenly redistribute in about 6-9 months, but until then, I'm kinda rocking the pregnant look :-/
But I'm really proud of myself for where I am right now. It hasn't been easy. In fact, it's been incredibly difficult. But I'm starting to notice aspects of life that are becoming easier as I eat healthier. And I'm starting to see that I'm not defined by my body. It's OK to be a healthy weight instead of underweight. It's OK to have some curves. Actually, it's not just OK, it's much better :)
So that's where I am now. I'm not yet "recovered" and I'm sure it will be a while before I can say that about myself. But I can say with conviction that I AM "recovering".
