Lindsay and I have three children...Ava (11), Henry (10) and Ella (8). They live a life that is quite different from their friends. Having a sibling with SMA (Spinal Muscular Atrophy) has weighed heavily on Ava and Henry's minds and their behaviors. We have talked with all three of them about the implications of Ella having a terminal illness and while they understand those implications they still have to live with the disease everyday. Often there is jealousy as Ella receives more attention than they do. There is resentment for having to help her with everyday tasks. There is anger and hostility surrounding the harsh facts of the disease. It's a lot for them to handle just in itself.
All three children have also had to deal with their mother going through significant health issues for the past four years. With each surgery we told them that we hoped it would be the last. This has proven to be untrue. They have gotten used to the foot surgeries, the recoveries, and the aftermath. But kids often keep their emotions to themselves and worry quietly.
When Lindsay had her lower right leg amputated the kids were scared; afraid of the unknown. They had no frame of reference to process the idea of an amputated leg. When all was said and done they rose to the occasion and supported their mother. They helped with things and took the light side of it, following Lindsay's lead. When others offered help through care packages, meals, and GoFundMe donations they were so grateful; their joy was infectious.
On June 4, 2019 Lindsay was diagnosed with an 80% chance of having Stage 1 Renal Cell Carcinoma (cancer). The doctor is going to remove the tumor and 5% of her kidney on July 8, 2019.
The kids are scared. Once again, they really have no frame of reference to draw upon to process this news. They know that cancer is bad and they feel unsure. We spoke with each of them about how they feel regarding the two upcoming surgeries (the first one is fixing Lindsay's torn meniscus in her left knee and the other one is the removal of the tumor).
I sat with Ava in the family room chair that can fit a child and adult together. I asked her how she felt about the upcoming surgeries and situations. She told me that she was fine with the knee surgery. I asked her how she felt about the cancer issue. Then she paused, put down her iPad, and scooted closer to me. She let out a sigh and wrapped her arm around me in the front. I squeezed her closer and gave her a kiss on the head. No words were spoken but I could feel her anxiety in the hug. I told her that it'll be fine. She shook her head and tightened her grip on me. We sat in silence for a moment and then she picked up her iPad and continued playing her game. She's a quiet girl at times and right now she's burying herself in her technology.
Lindsay had a conversation with Henry. She asked him how he felt about all of this and he replied that he was ok with the knee surgery but was "ish" about the cancer. Henry is a very affectionate boy and often wraps himself up in Lindsay's lap. He, too, tends to hold things in until they explode--usually in anger. He takes a lot of his frustrations out on Ella and blames much on SMA. He ends up storming away...retreating to his room to cool off.
I asked Ella how she felt about Lindsay's situation. She, too, was fine with the knee surgery but hesitated when asked about the cancer. She took the point of view that they are going to get rid of it once and for all. She lay on the landing as we talked, her big brown eyes sinking deeply into mine. she said, "I think it'll be alright." Ella is the type of person who likes to talk about things. She gets this from the many conversations we've had regarding her own health. She's mature in that way beyond her years. When frustrated, she tends to bother Henry and Ava and then gets herself all worked up and cries. Sometimes I feel that this crying is more than just a reaction to a sibling rivalry, but more an expression of her emotions overall.
Each of our kids respond to stressors differently. Ava sinks into her iPad, Henry tries to spend time with friends, and Ella works on creating, games, and make-believe; she also is trying to expand her friendships. They all, however, tend to hold emotions in until they can't handle it anymore and they seek an outlet...anger, crying, indifference. We've made it a point to try to have family time together playing games or eating meals with one another. These times, though, are getting farther and farther apart as we also have to continue to run a household. Lindsay does as much as she can and is still adjusting to life with an amputated leg.
As parents we are dealing with delicate psyches...all in critical developmental stages. We interject humor and seriousness, discipline and leniency, raw facts and hypotheticals. Each child of ours comes to us with their own view of the world...and through the thick of what's going on we try to make what they see coincide with how they feel. Often the two are quite different.
All three children have also had to deal with their mother going through significant health issues for the past four years. With each surgery we told them that we hoped it would be the last. This has proven to be untrue. They have gotten used to the foot surgeries, the recoveries, and the aftermath. But kids often keep their emotions to themselves and worry quietly.
When Lindsay had her lower right leg amputated the kids were scared; afraid of the unknown. They had no frame of reference to process the idea of an amputated leg. When all was said and done they rose to the occasion and supported their mother. They helped with things and took the light side of it, following Lindsay's lead. When others offered help through care packages, meals, and GoFundMe donations they were so grateful; their joy was infectious.
On June 4, 2019 Lindsay was diagnosed with an 80% chance of having Stage 1 Renal Cell Carcinoma (cancer). The doctor is going to remove the tumor and 5% of her kidney on July 8, 2019.
The kids are scared. Once again, they really have no frame of reference to draw upon to process this news. They know that cancer is bad and they feel unsure. We spoke with each of them about how they feel regarding the two upcoming surgeries (the first one is fixing Lindsay's torn meniscus in her left knee and the other one is the removal of the tumor).
I sat with Ava in the family room chair that can fit a child and adult together. I asked her how she felt about the upcoming surgeries and situations. She told me that she was fine with the knee surgery. I asked her how she felt about the cancer issue. Then she paused, put down her iPad, and scooted closer to me. She let out a sigh and wrapped her arm around me in the front. I squeezed her closer and gave her a kiss on the head. No words were spoken but I could feel her anxiety in the hug. I told her that it'll be fine. She shook her head and tightened her grip on me. We sat in silence for a moment and then she picked up her iPad and continued playing her game. She's a quiet girl at times and right now she's burying herself in her technology.
Lindsay had a conversation with Henry. She asked him how he felt about all of this and he replied that he was ok with the knee surgery but was "ish" about the cancer. Henry is a very affectionate boy and often wraps himself up in Lindsay's lap. He, too, tends to hold things in until they explode--usually in anger. He takes a lot of his frustrations out on Ella and blames much on SMA. He ends up storming away...retreating to his room to cool off.
I asked Ella how she felt about Lindsay's situation. She, too, was fine with the knee surgery but hesitated when asked about the cancer. She took the point of view that they are going to get rid of it once and for all. She lay on the landing as we talked, her big brown eyes sinking deeply into mine. she said, "I think it'll be alright." Ella is the type of person who likes to talk about things. She gets this from the many conversations we've had regarding her own health. She's mature in that way beyond her years. When frustrated, she tends to bother Henry and Ava and then gets herself all worked up and cries. Sometimes I feel that this crying is more than just a reaction to a sibling rivalry, but more an expression of her emotions overall.
Each of our kids respond to stressors differently. Ava sinks into her iPad, Henry tries to spend time with friends, and Ella works on creating, games, and make-believe; she also is trying to expand her friendships. They all, however, tend to hold emotions in until they can't handle it anymore and they seek an outlet...anger, crying, indifference. We've made it a point to try to have family time together playing games or eating meals with one another. These times, though, are getting farther and farther apart as we also have to continue to run a household. Lindsay does as much as she can and is still adjusting to life with an amputated leg.
As parents we are dealing with delicate psyches...all in critical developmental stages. We interject humor and seriousness, discipline and leniency, raw facts and hypotheticals. Each child of ours comes to us with their own view of the world...and through the thick of what's going on we try to make what they see coincide with how they feel. Often the two are quite different.
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| Henry (10), Ava (11), and Ella (8) Summer, 2019 |
