My eating disorder is back in full force. I've been struggling for the past few months and I've lost quite a bit of weight, putting me in the "underweight" category of BMI (body mass index).
I'm starting to realize that the transition into the spring season is the most difficult time of year for me. Everyone starts to play outside, enjoying the nice weather. Most of my friends have children the same ages as Ava, Henry and Ella, and they're becoming more and more independent each year. My friends can have play dates or go to the playground and socialize with the other moms, while the kids go off and play together. On their own.
On their own.
Ella cannot play "on her own".
It's hard for me to come to terms with the fact that Ella will never truly be able to function "on her own". And ED (my Eating Disorder) is my coping mechanism.
I know it's not healthy. I know it's not smart. But I'm at a point where I think I truly need ED in my life to function.
But it has to change.
Over the past few weeks, I have been to a handful of specialists, trying to "fix" this disorder that I have.
I've been to my dietician. Two new therapists. My primary care physician. And today, my psychiatrist. I've had tests done (EKG and blood work - both normal..."so far" I've been told). But nothing has been helping. I can't get away from the idea that ED helps me.
But my appointment with my psychiatrist today really hit me with a dose of reality. She's giving me three weeks. She told me that if I can't turn things around and gain some weight, then I'll have to go back to the Eating Disorder Program at Linden Oaks Hospital.
Wow.
I really can't believe it's gotten to that point.
So I have to change. I HAVE TO.
But it's so complicated. Right now, I feel like no matter what, I'm a failure. If I gain weight, then I've failed ED, my only coping mechanism. But if I lose weight, then I've failed my family. Naturally, my mom asked me, "Which is more important? ED or your family?"
It's obvious. I have to change.
For Michael. For my babies. For my family. For my friends.
I will. And I have three weeks to prove it.
