Rummaging through years of stuff elicits a reminiscent quality that so easily takes one back to different times. Some of those times seems easier, others more difficult. Some feel simpler while others dredge up the confusion that was present when it was actually occurring. Some make you smile while others bring back the pain endured for whatever reason. Still some take you into a world where you almost re-live the events surrounding the object.
The object below is of the last kind...one that brought me to a place and held me there for some time.
Before Ella was diagnosed with SMA Type 2 we had no idea what was really happening with her. All we knew was that she was missing developmental milestones and struggling. One of the hardest aspects of all of this, as a parent, was the feeling of helplessness. Watching your child struggle, fight, and exude extreme determination to accomplish something they should be able to easily was torture.
I made this contraption for Ella. We wanted something for her to be able to lie an on use her arms to propel herself. She still had that kind of arm strength as well as head/neck strength. I spent the afternoon at Home Depot with a kind man who spent so much time with me deciding the shape, the kids of wheels, the strap system, etc. I went home and sat in the very garage that this picture was taken and sanded the piece of wood to a smooth finish so as not allow a single splinter to invade my daughter. I measured and precisely placed the caster wheels and the strap holders. It was beautiful.
Ella used it for only a very short time. Her inability to navigate coupled with her intense regression (at that time) made it very difficult for her to use. It became another source of frustration for her during the road to the diagnosis.
I kept it though. I kept it because I thought one day she could use it. I thought that with practice and sheer will that she would overcome whatever was blocking her development. I thought that we would look back on the time and remember it as a distant memory as we watched her play soccer, or dance ballet, or run track & field.
I kept it because it was one of the first things I actively did to try and help her.
I am going to keep it still.
