We were new to this disease called Spinal Muscular Atrophy. Our future, Ella's future, was unclear.
We knew she would probably never walk and we feared for if/when the disease would take her life.
She was officially diagnosed late summer of 2011 and after the reality started to sink in, I went to a dark place. The darkest place I've ever been in my life.
Fast forward a few months to the holiday season.
The time from Thanksgiving until New Year's has ALWAYS been my absolute favorite time of year for as long as I can remember. It's always so magical for me and it fills me with such joy (to the point where I kind of freaked out Michael during our first Christmas season together ;)).
But the holiday season of 2011 was different. It was dark. And empty.
I wanted to skip the holidays all together.
I didn't want to spend time with any friends. I didn't even want to see family.
After all, what was the point in celebrating anything when I was in such a dark place??
So the holidays came. We still put up Christmas decorations and went through all the motions, mainly just for Ava, Henry and Ella. But other than how it looked from the outside, the inside was empty.
Fast forward one year. The holiday season of 2012.
Our life was completely different. Ella was now dependent on seven machines to keep her healthy. We had added a 300 pound power wheelchair (among other large pieces of equipment) to our house.
But those were not the only differences.
I was different. A lot different.
After hitting my lowest point, I was able to start moving on with life. I don't know if I will ever truly accept SMA, but it was becoming more "normal" for us. I was getting used to it and everything that went with it.
And I was ready for the holiday season. I mean really ready.
I almost felt like I had to make up for the previous year. And it felt great!
Fast forward almost one more year.
The fall of 2013.
People don't lie when they say that things heal with time. This year, my excitement and seasonal joy has started in October. I've been so excited that the weather has cooled off enough to start wearing sweaters and boots :)
We have added a few more Halloween decorations to our small collection.
We have fires in our fireplace almost every night.
I got this AMAZING Yankee Candle that is called "Apple and Pumpkin Picking" which simply fills me with the most incredible warmth (I've already gone through almost two entire candles since the beginning of October).
And get this...I set up a little photo shoot in our dining room one morning last week, took some pictures of the kids and created/ordered our Christmas cards already! (I know, that might be a little TOO soon...don't worry I won't send them out until December :))
But I feel...happy.
I'm in such a different place than I was two years ago. We all are. Time has really started to heal our hearts.
Yes, there isn't a day that goes by that we don't wish that our sweet baby didn't have this debilitating disease.
But we're handling it now. We're in a routine that works. And we're able to remain positive most of the time.
So bring on fall and the holiday seasons...
I'm SO ready :)
