Within the past month, several people have asked me how I'm doing with ED.
And by ED, I mean "eating disorder".
For those of you who are new to this blog, I struggled with an eating disorder for a while after Ella was diagnosed with SMA. It got to the point where my health was deteriorating enough that I needed to be admitted to an intensive inpatient rehabilitation hospital for a month last summer.
Severely limiting what food went into my body was a way for me to take control of something. Controlling something when I felt so out of control with Ella's disease.
Anyway, I've been out of treatment for over a year now.
It's been a roller-coaster of a recovery process, that's for sure.
But I can honestly say that I am the closest to "recovery" than I've ever been since I walked out of the hospital.
Yes, I still struggle. Daily. While I was in the hospital I was told that I will probably never recover completely, as an eating disorder is a way of thinking that is incredibly difficult to overcome. Especially given the circumstances surrounding my eating disorder.
But I'm better. A LOT better.
I've learned and know that being healthy is so much better than being stick thin. I'm happier. I have energy. I don't feel sick (or look sick for that matter).
But there isn't a day that goes by that I don't have some type of ED thought running though my mind...
"How many calories are in that?" "I just want to lose 5 more pounds," etc.
But then I also find myself thinking things like...
"I feel good." "It's so much better to be healthy." "Almost every woman has some part of her body that she's not happy with, and that's ok."
In the first 6 months after being discharged from the eating disorder program at Linden Oaks, I gained 40 pounds. After that, I've lost about 10, and my weight has stayed consistent since then.
I have had some moments/days of weakness when I've restricted the calories that I've put in my body. But in a very short amount of time, the fatigue kicked in, reminding me of why I'm in the process of recovering. And as time has gone on, those moments have become few and far between.
So all in all, I'm think in a great place. I don't know if I'll ever have a day without an ED thought, but for now, I'm looking forward to having more days/weeks/months without ED actions :)
