I listen to what Lindsay has to say and it all makes perfect sense to me. I don't, however, want to think about it. For a while I really didn't understand why, either. I just knew the topic was something I'd rather avoid than engage in a conversation about.
After trudging through the latest conversation and offering little to it, I began really thinking about why my world seems closed up around this topic. And then it hit me...like a ton of bricks.
The life changing event that we are embarking on further brings the reality of SMA to the forefront. My natural tendancy is to not want SMA to exist at all, least of all in our own child. But it does. It exists. It exists in our child. It's there. And it really sucks.
Hence the reason for the brick wall I have been constructing around the idea of moving. It's getting closer to the time when we are to begin the actual process and my wall isn't finished. It won't be finished either...and because I cannot finish my wall I become defensive. Yet I feel I am really defenseless. I feel that this is being thrust upon me without my prior consent. I feel "out of control" and that feeling is not pleasant when we're talking about the livelihood of our youngest child.
Realizing this part of myself makes a difference though. Understanding that I have been methodically placing one brick after another in an attempt to shelter myself from the stark reality that SMA is makes it easier to peer over the partially constructed wall and see what's out there. Engaging in activities that will help get our house ready for the market will lead to the demise of the wall under construction. Getting out into the marketplace and finding the house that will be a safe place for Ella whilst providing her with opportunities for independence that she simply doesn't have here will allow me to push back against SMA.
I'm adept at building brick walls around situations, emotions, and ideas as I have been doing it since I was nine years old. I've built less and less over the years but still possess the undeniable skills. My wall that has been partially built is strong and sturdy in its base, well designed in its walls to date, and will require some help to actually bring it down.
This is where you come in.
We are going to need some help.
If you, or somebody you know, can help in the following ways...please follow the link at the end of this post to join us in getting our current house ready for the market.
This is what we're looking at in terms of help:
We need people:
- to patch and paint walls
- to deep clean the entire house
- to help purge unnecessary household items in storage or wherever
- to watch the kids while Lindsay and I work on the house
We have a "Care Calendar" that is set up with open time slots for the areas mentioned above. The web address is:
Log-in info is as follows:
Calendar ID: 115107
Security Code: 6639
We are looking to have the house ready by the end of January...any help in any way is so greatly appreciated.
Thank you all so much for Caring for The Castens
