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| Ella takes Lindsay's hand just after her birth |
The past week or so has found me feeling different somehow.
The look in Ella's eyes and the expressions she is beginning to make are grasping me more tightly than I expected they would. Having two other children, I know that a child's personality begins to manifest itself a bit more outwardly at about the age Ella is at right now. She is starting to interact in a way that speaks the message that she, as a person, is on her way to understanding the world around her. She is in the throws of sensing that she can make an impact by her actions, words, expressions, and emotions.
Ella's development has taken a slightly different route than Ava and Henry's did simply for the fact that she has SMA.
A month ago she may have looked at me with a look of guarded bewilderment due to her limitations...I might have felt discouraged not knowing how to deal with it. Now her eyes speak to me showing that she is beginning to understand; they say, "I want to do this but I can't." Falling into her eyes I give her a look that tells her that I am here for her...in any and every way she might need me.
A month ago she may have felt proud of something she did, as any child her age would. My reaction at that time would have an underlying feeling of "How long will you be able to do this thing?" Instead, I find myself holding her more closely to me with unspoken encouragement as she makes her way through the moments of her life.
There's a shift that has happened in my approach to being a parent of a child with SMA. A shift that I knew would come to me but did not know when. I am still in the process of shifting; mentally, spiritually, and physically. It will take time. I know.
The feeling that has stirred itself in me this past week has lain dormant for years. I haven't felt this way in a very, very long time. I never thought I would again.
The feeling does not fall in the spectrum of the what we normally consider each day in the face of turmoil...those of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, and so on. The feeling that is playing its role in my life holds itself to a another set of rules; another way of expression.
I'm numb.
I'm numb yet I can sense the other feelings that surround my life--they are still there. They are, however, cloaked by a numbness that rises from deep within me. It rises and fills my body, mind, and soul. It allows me to face some of the terrible thoughts I have about the what is happening to Ella; without me losing control. It affords me the opportunity to speak to others about Ella, our family, and SMA. It generates a protective layer around me so that I can pray in thankfulness for everything I have that speaks of love. It is a necessary feeling; one that shuts down the other feelings, if only for a brief moment, to help keep my sanity in check.
I know that the numbness will subside. It will wax and wane. I know that the raw emotions that must surround me will do so in their due times...coming and going as they will.
The rising numbness must take its place in the traveling of the road I am on. It's a deep numbness that we all have within, waiting for its time to rise up and gather itself around us; to protect us, allow deeper reflection, and provide a hiatus from the tearing emotions that have been and will be.
